One day as I was leaving work, I overheard a woman talking on the phone. She was standing at the front of the bus talking loudly to her mother who was apparently upset about some comments her daughter had made to her earlier. The woman pleaded into the phone, "Maa, I didn’t mean for it to sound that way! Please don’t get offended. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Maa, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry." This went on for about ten minutes while the rest of the passengers watched in sympathy. Finally, the conversation ended, and the woman turned to her friend and said, "She’s crying and getting all emotional. She just misunderstood me!" You can probably relate, as you think of examples from your life. How often do you find yourself apologizing for a statement or comment that you made? Too often, what we say is not communicated well or heard effectively by the other side. Sometimes, we say things that can’t be taken back, and such negative interactions can overshadow all the positive ones in a relationship. Case in point: The girl on the bus had to apologize profusely for one statement she made that greatly upset her mother. ........
Two Needs in a Relationship In any given relationship, we have two needs: to talk, and to be heard. We expect to be able to freely express how we feel. We also expect that both our positive and negative feelings will be heard and understood. To maintain these positive interactions, it is important for us to share with others what we like and don’t like. Generally, we tend to share more of our negative feelings than we do our positive ones since we often focus on the negatives over the positives. We often tell others what we don’t like about them instead of what we do like.
Tips Express Appreciation It is not enough to be appreciative; we should express that appreciation. We all like to know that we’ve made someone else happy. When we‘re praised, it’s more likely that we will do it again. Most of us, however, rarely express to others what we like or appreciate about them. What would happen if we actually shared that with the people around us? The Prophet Muhammad(pbuh)advised us to express and show appreciation and gratitude. He (pbuh)said "The one who does not give thanks for a small blessing will not give thanks for a great blessing, and the one who does not give thanks to people will not give thanks to Allah." (Abi ad-Dunya) Make it part of your daily routine to praise something about your loved one: maybe when he cooks a delicious meal or when she‘s been awake all night caring for the baby. This will only increase the positives in your relationships and make it easier to move beyond the negatives. Share Concerns : It is also important to share our concerns instead of ignoring them. Putting aside our disappointment and anger doesn’t make them disappear. These feelings remain – brewing, festering, and waiting to explode during the next emotional spatter. We need to be able to share our concerns constructively, and to have the other side hear us without making assumptions about our intentions. How Do You Communicate? Take a minute to reflect. •Think about one thing you appreciate or admire about your mother, father, sibling, spouse, child, friend, colleague, or others. •Think about one thing you don’t like or is concerning to you. How would you express it to them? Verbalize it. Is it easy to communicate? How might they react?
